Love is just so powerful (part one)

Scrolling through my blog and amused by one post that I posted 7 years ago about relationship. It makes me smile for whatever reason I don’t know. Maybe I found its funny or maybe its just so-kena-into-my-heart. It so funny. Really. LOL.

I could not imagine the 23 years old of myself could talk about relationship. About knowing someone, getting close, start to go out dating, do lovey dovey stuffs all that, frustration and breaking up.

How?

Aldro, how?

Hahahaha.

Ya I know I will be 30 in couple of years front but shut up. I still have two fucking years to enjoy my 20-ish. I am 28years young this year and still…

Still not a person that I wanted to be.

Talking about relationship. I am single for almost six years. My previous relationship was in 2011. A relationship that I don’t want to recall and remember anything from that creepy relationship. I was trying so fucking hard to be the best boyfriend in the world. I tried to be loyal (and yes I did. I was so loyal and I don’t even give a glance of any attractive person I’ve met), I tried to give my maximum time for you to spend with. I did all stuff as what a partner supossed to do. I did all your almost-due-assignment, I sewed your dance-wardrobe, i skipped tutorial class to accompany you to Canselori just to settle your Study's fees, i skipped class just to take care of you when you fell sick. I did not back home meeting my parent just because i felt sorry leaving you alone at our room. Everything! I did everything at my very best. But in the very end, it's still not enough and i give up. I gave up not because i'm not trying but i had tried enough. All i wish is, I hope that my ex could find someone 300% or 1000% better i already am.If I can turn back times, I wish we will stay friend and not as a couple and im so sure that we still be as friend until today. Duh, Friend or not friend pun it is just the same. Because I still look up for this person (I mean still NOT LOSE CONTACT) even up to these days.

I went through life as a single man. Have my own job and own money. Watching my exs exchange partners from this one person to another one person, getting married and at the end not married. And then, there is me, Did not worry about not having a partner as I still have bestfriend and friends behind my back. Friends that always be there through my sad and happy day. I’ve never feel alone even if I was alone. But then we finally bumped into this ‘door’ ops, not a door maybe a gate, “Middle-20-ish-gate” where everyone start dating someone and spending time more with your couple because you know you need to get married soon and have a kids. Then. I started to spending my times alone more and even if we went for a hang out, we only can spend time for few hours and not days.

You know that Apps that when you install it on your smartphone and it has one function in it to search people nearby you? Yes. That one (hehe). Somewhere one fine evening day in 2^nd quarter of last year, I installed this apps. I wish that I could find someone who is someone who I can text or call wherever I feel empty or boring . I had met a bunch of people in there like whoa what the hell is going on with this world? There was a lot of people with different type of interest and behavior that I could not ever imagine in my life. I almost gave up. All same. They are similar because you cannot keep them as a friend (atleast).

But among all of these people, there was one  special person. The person Hi-ed me and I replied. This person I call FA. FA last replied was a phone number. I saved it and contacted FA on Whatsapp. To be honest, I’ve never expect anything from FA. I just tried to contact F as how i did with others and i just want to make friend and I just feel that I should contact because FA just gave me the contact number and it would be so rude if I’m not contacting FA. So, We chats for few days and i still, treated FA just a normal-stranger-person who is on my stranger-list. But then, FA is the other way around. FA is completely different. And for still in a relationship with FA with this long is beyond my imagination.

FA is 24 years old and currently unemployed, F previously worked at one aquaculture’s site in Tuaran (i was like, we are so fucking close to each other and why i never found you all this time? damn it) and i kinda upset for not be able to meet F when F worked there. FA is an attractively-smart, sensationally-charming and knowledgable. F always has interesting facts to share or topics to talk with until you can talk with F for hours. I was so happy happy because I finally meet someone. Someone just like  F which I really wanted to be with. Adorable and full of charisma. Just by listening to all F’s stories and jokes, I feel over the moon. F like to teased me with many stuffs and F know I hate snake so much and always making fun of it. It was annoying really but I love when F did that. F always called me on weekend and for weekdays, F and I contacting through Whatsapp. When i just reached home every day, F just patiently waiting for me to finish doing all my stuff like ironing, showering and dinner and then continue chats. From that moment, my daily routines has changed. Not change because of F, but F makes me realise by doing this way is much better. After few weeks of knowing F, i finally reached that level which i want to know F even more.

On 15^th September, F asking me out. For dinner. Actually its F’s birthday and F wanted to go out with me for a dinner. I refused. I gave F such an stupid-excuses just because I still don’t have that courage to meet F. F was upset. I purposely ignored and did not asked F on that night. I don’t know why I don’t want to meet F on that time but if I could turn back time, I will meet F with a surprise (Its too late, moron). But then, F still.. still  very nice to me.I feel guilty and, I like F even more. F always managed to makes me laugh, makes silly jokes, share experience, telling stories and makes me act like a silly guy smiling over my smartphone until my colleagues teased me for being 'gila-bayang'. F also good at making surprise. F had sent a me a lunch box at my office with a note on it saying
" For whatever your soul craves, and to know that i'm here"
Now tell me, who is doesn't smiling like an idiot for receiving this? I smile like a monkey fucking idiot who just got a big-long-super-banana. I could not stop staring at the note and i still keep that note until today. And F posted a very long post on F's Facebook account about somethin F favour about me and that was so sweet for me. From that time, I started rejected invitation, I did not going out for outing, I did not replying Whatsapp group, making excuses to my member’s plan.. just because I don’t want to miss one moment chatting with F. F know how to make people happy
and I wonder about F’s past relationship. How does its end?

F had a car accident when F still worked in Tuaran and F just got the car back so F told me that F wanted to be an Uber driver while waiting for another job opportunities. This actually makes me feel sad. I feel sorry for F because its hard for fresh graduate to find an establish job these day but somehow, I'm so proud of F for the very least, F trying to find some other way to generate money and thats make me wanting F more than I already do.

F is officially an Uber driver. F started act differently and busy. F not replying my texts and not even call me as frequent as F usually did. I feel so miserable. I feel like a different person. I even don’t know me. It was funny if I think back about myself back in that time. It hurts when you love someone but that person did not feel the same as much as you do. I suddenly received a call from F saying that F wanted to go Tuaran and met me. I said, Sokay,I go KK and we meet there. So we met. Watching movie and spending all night talking about so many things. For the first time. We holding hand and i puts F's hand on my chest. I went home 6am in the morning. Still, F acted differently, different voice-tone and i can feel that F isn't that F i know before. It must be something. Then, I decided to make my own move. I texted F on midnight and told F everything what I felt. Super-long text and I have no idea what was happening to myself until i finally can say that to F, i mean, I am not kind of person. I have never text someone that long and explain for what i felt like damn it yo. haha. I cannot sleep that night, cannot cry and even breath. You know, There is nothing you can do but lay down on your bed and thinking “What did I do wrong?”

F replied me and wanted to met me at Suria’s Food Court so we met. F told me everything what had happened during past weeks and I felt better. For at least, F explained to me and not to left me untold. When F started to work as an Uber driver, F met the Ex (fuck it). This ex had made a big impact through F's relationship experience. F told me that, F have ‘circle' where F has multiple partner at one time. A,B and C. While with A, F have the B and the C at the same time and if one of these person left, F still have B and C. F will make sure that this ABC did not know each other or not related in any way possible and always fill if there is an empty spot among these three. What's with this Ex? This ex was the one who could make F forget about the circle and only have X as F's partner but then they broke up and F had a broken heart so F went to Tuaran. In my case, I am A and yes, F had B and C at the same time. When this X came and appealed back in F's life, F felt miserable and distracted. So F told me this :
“I think I need to stop and have a break with all this shits”
I have nothing to offer. I just felt.. sorry to F. So I said “lets hold and separate for awhile” and give F a break. At this point, I already started to lose hope that think that I lose F already and F will not come back. I still remember my last sentence before we left the building
“see you”

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I have that long thought on my way home,

“ Why I did not feel angry or disappointed?”

Because atleast F makes me happy even just for a month and I’m grateful. I went through a quite bad-experience in that time. A family matters until I avoid everyone because I don’t feel like I want to hangout with anyone. But F suddenly came right in time, a stranger who has no idea what was happening in my life and suddenly become this close and for that reason, I am not hating F but feel grateful for coming into my life and helped me forget about all those problems even just of awhile. Thank you FA.

I didn't contact F and gave F 100% to live his life. I mean, without me disturbing F for whatever F’s do after this. It’s kinda hard though to let go someone you like and i've never experiencing this kind of feeling before but somehow we need to move on. In a relationship, we cannot force anyone to love us. Ya, I still have F’s Facebook account and Instagram and I just can look for them if I started to miss F. I only has one picture that I don’t really like on F’s Instagram. A Sky picture with a caption :

“Tangerinely blue. Like u.”

I don’t like that picture and that post because it was not meant for me. For sure.

Got to go now.

Will continue this some other time.

Speak soon.