Love is just so powerful (Part 3s)

Hi!

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So, how are you guys now?

Does everything going well?

Did FA really love you? Are sure are you about that?

Will you and FA stay as a couple for the next Valentine’s Day?

Last week, I logged in into my blog after few months and I was surprised by my previous posts about LOVE IS SO POWERFUL has more than 400 views. Like WTF, I didn’t expect people gonna click on this post and read it. Who the hell are they? Darling, this is not like fantasy-romantic-love-story you searching for but thank you for reading (or clicked).

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Some of you might have been wondering, since I got attached (and subsequently in love) with FA, how the past year went either it was a good one or otherwise. Maybe some of you wanna know how we got together (or some of you already knew), while maybe some of you wondering how we handle things, with such certainly, that we are the one for each other- in such a (maybe) a short period for some people and maybe long for some people.

But listen first,

Today is our 1^st annivesary. XOXO!

(15^th February 2018 at 3.14am)

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Initially, I wanna to hold of writing about the story until this date because I didn’t want people to diminish the message I want to share because we have been together just for a year.

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So here we go,

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There is so many things happened for the past one year and being in a relationship (again) is (again) one of the toughest struggle in the world (seriously). I had been in relationship twice before FA and it took me 5 years to fall in love again. FALL IN LOVE. I repeat. Its not like you find someone, hooked up, dating, making love (or sex – either one you’d prefer to describe it) and break up. Its need you and your lover’s commitment, passion and love and trust to make it happen.

So, it is not easy.

To be honest, I had doubt on FA during first two months of dating. I had no clue, and still hesitated to express my true feeling toward FA. I was afraid to show that I really care/love about FA.

I was confused.

Confused about my feeling and FA’s feelings towards me. I doubted about everything FA’s did. I doubted FA’s actions and behaviour as I thought “What if FA did all this not because FA loves me but how if FA just want to test me or how if FA still has that circle again?” This feeling keep playing in my head every single day (and night before I feel asleep). I was thinking the whole time that maybe FA is not serious for this relationship. I was really scared. Scared because I don’t want to be ignore like how it goes few months before.

So, I always waiting for that one moment for FA to prove me that FA really love me (or at least serious about this relationship).

And,

To be honest, after we separated, and be together again, there is no lovey-dovey messages, no romantic talk, no soft-spoken voices. It was totally different from the old time. No Honey-Boo, No Baby-Boo or whatever you guys call it. None of those. We doing every single thing very casual. We only had normal texts, having a long night conversation on phone, went out dating once or twice a week.

but i enjoyed it.

 Seriously, I was thinking, if this is the way it should be, and as long as I have FA by my side, as long as FA would be there sharing love with, and as long as I can feel the love is still there,

 I am okay this way.

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FA still worked as an Uber driver until May last year, and of course FA had a very hard time because its almost eight months since FA’s did not have any permanent job. FA spent day and night struggling, earning money as an Uber driver and it wasn’t that easy. As FA’s partner, it actually makes me sad and worried most of the time. I always wondering if FA able to eats on-time, to have enough rest or have a comfortable sleep at night? Is there any night that FA felt so miserable and crying alone at the balcony while looking at the dark sky?

I just want to be there for FA all the time no matter what the situation is. I want to spend my day and night seeing you. I want to spend all day.. talking, comforting, laughing, and even sleep together. I just want to be there for you.

But it is not the right way to do it – being by your side 24/7. Because I was scared if you not feel comfortable for having me every single day. I afraid that you will get bored of me due to my silliness.

And for that reason, I tried to spare as much time (being apart) as I could just for FA, for at least FA will feel my presence and always be there is FA needs me. I want to be there beside FA even we are not physically meet.

Then,

Finally, after 15 months of waiting, FA get an offer to work with a globally influencial organisation as a Marine Officer. I am gayly contented, proud of you my love.

I adore FA a lot. I adore the passion, determination, the time management, the commitment that FA give to me, I adore it all. FA shares all things that happened, updates me with silly things so we could have that quality time even we are apart from each other, and sometimes, we discussed things of what was going on in this relationship by talking about what’s good/not good, what’s we need to fix and what we need to disscuss, and for all this things, I did not feel empty at all. We fill everything from mini to mega major things with the including of humour so it sounds fun and memorable and also FA love to share everything to me about anything either good news, bad news, feelings or problems. For that, this relationship that we build together, i feel like live as living in a beautiful park with a playground.

Naturally, the doubt is eventually gone little by little. I started to shut my eyes to my overthinking-feeling that haunted me inside-out. I put aside all negatives feeling and tried to give all of myself to FA because at the end of the day, FA is my company. The company that I fell in love with, the one that I obsess the most, and the person that always came first in my mind when I woke up in the morning or before i went to bed. I put it all aside and started to follow what my heart has tell me, (that I love FA so much). I wanted FA to see that, whatever happens, even how hard life hit you, I will always be here supporting.. and to show that I want this relationship stay as long as possible, because I don’t think I could giving this much commitment to someone because I already dedicate my whole self just for FA. For having you in my life, and having you in my life is more than enough.

Meh! It might sound cliché for some of you, but trust me, be in a deep love once, and you’ll understand. Not joking.

There was a time when FA really upset about FA’s life and feels like a garbage. FA almost give up about struggling to get for a job and decided to going back to FA’s hometown in Beaufort.

132KM away from me.

I lost words at once but I cannot say anything about this decision. I was sad at first because this time FA will be extremely far from me and I can only meet FA maybe once in a blue moon and i don’t know even if i can meet FA once a week like before or maybe months or years? Thinking about that makes me feel like dying like how could I handle if I could not meet FA for months?
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Another one fine night, on our phone calls, FA had asked me,

“ We seldomly into fight. Is that normal? Or maybe we were to indulged our own feeling until  we keep it and left it unsaid?”


No

There is no healthy relationship without fighting. But I do think we both mature enough to handle issues that we have in this relationship so we both didn’t always into fight.

How we do it? Hehehehehehehe.

Eventhough this question came from FA. The answer itself also came from FA. Read back again what I wrote above, things that I adore about FA.  If you focus on what I wrote, you already got the hint. Hint about how FA handle this relationship. That is one of the key-point why this relationship is still going strong until today.

Our conversation is just similar to another typical couple phone-talking. I mean, the duration of on-call is not less than 4 hours. But what makes it special is, it is not fill by lovey-dovey-flowerly--quotes or pickup line that you learned from the internet. It fill with laugher of exclusive jokes, fun facts, heavy-fun-facts and most importantly, what we feel about each other. There is always a slot of it in every conversation and mostly it was in the final slot of the conversation. See what we get there? I mean, FA always bringing up issue that we suppose to discuss as we never missed a single thing to left unsaid except for the aneh-aneh-overthinking punya topics, playing some quizzes, and sometimes we had Yes or No question and answer just like as in Miss Universe. LOL! Plus, as I mentioned in my previous posts regarding FA is good in speaking (I mean FA comm-skill is beyond superb), I got this from FA too. See? My partner has inspired me to be this good. Hahahahaha! I am improved. Thanks Yang! For this.

It’s not like we don’t have big fight or left some issue inside us just to prove that we mature enough, we did have some fight sometimes, the one that I remembered was a day before raya last year, when there was a misunderstanding about the conversation that we had until FA didn’t talk to me for days and I decided to go Beaufort and visit FA for an open house. I think, that was the big one.

I had fight with my friends and I late replying FA’s text. When I explained it, FA thought it was unacceptable reasons for late replying text and think that I put my friends first over FA. While I still in an unstable emotion about me and my friends issue, I was so speechless that I could not understand why FA cannot understand my situation in that particular time, I tried to calm myself down that night, rethink of what I had done and I must say that in that point, I was doing a mistake. While FA only has me, putting me as the first on the list, to only have me in FA’s life, I then realised why FA acted that way and I feel bad. I tried to reached FA by calling and Whatsapp but FA ignoring me. So, I decided going to Beaufort and meet FA. It was 2^nd day of Raya. I reached there, I still can read from the face that FA still pissed of me, trying to ignore me and I looked at FA’s phone, the screen cracked. I spent my night in FA’s house and I slept at FA’s room. TBH, I was really really really grateful that FA let me to stay at FA’s house for that night, I slept at FA’s room and holding FA’s hand while sleep. For this, of course I thought it gonna went well after that but I was wrong. When I went back in Tuaran and tried to reached FA, I couldn’t reached FA. Text messages was undelivered, cannot do the phonecall and deactivated Facebook and Instagram. I feel so upset, painful and even think that FA want to end the relationship in that way. And, realising it was my fault, I accepted the faith that I will lose FA again for my own mistake. After several weeks, FA contacted me again and explained the whole thing.  FA came and contact me again while i still in my progress of recharging myself ato moving on and live without FA around, then FA play the role of bringing this topic for a long hours discussion. How good FA is for handling issue. That is why i really like about FA, for being way more mature than i am eventhough FA is 4years younger than me.

For typical people, they will say : What is the point for you to stay? Why you did not realise that FA is only think bout FAself not the relationship itself, or you? 

It's just

I don’t have a lot of thing to explain here, just,

You know, commitment and understanding? It’s a personel dedication. If you have it, then you might could imagine growing together with your partner. You work together with your partner on an issues, like a team, and do everything together while both of you enjoying it, then, you cannot see yourself with someone else. I think, finding the rhythm in a relationship the biggest challenge for a couple. Hell, its easy to fall in love once you have found someone (finding someone is the hardest part of all) and saying “I love you” is easy to say but how many will show/prove it that they really love you?

At first, I found FA is a very, you know, a player, because, FA did not saying I love you to me for almost 3 months after we officially dating because maybe FA still doubted me? Or thinking am I a worth person to received it?  but once FA started saying “I love you”, FA proved it. Prove in FA own exclusive way. After sharing all bitter-sweet and also the commitment, both of us, has and be willing to sacrifice to each other. What kind of sacrifice? Easy point, Don’t you think driving 3 hours from Beaufort to Tuaran just to met me is a sacrifice? 

If many of you think it is not. I do think so.

Maybe you think is the writing is overrated by me, or maybe some of you (who read this) found this disturbing or annoying because its just a one year relationship not 10 years or 100 years and think I don’t deserve to say those, but, listen, try to walk in this shoes and you know this words worth saying.

For having FA as my company, I have never imagine that we could stay this long, for a person like FA, who used to be someone who were once had multiple relationship at once, or even had beautiful relationship before me. and while having me as a partner, and i think what FA did for our one year being together, is really really a relationship that i will remember in my whole life. I didn't say that my previous was the worse one, all have beautiful memories, lesson in its own special way BUT imagine just for a year and both of you already had ALOT of bitter+sweet moments that most of the relationship cannot even experience.

I believe most of a person when he/she going through a serious relationship, there is fucking many things playing in your head and me too, like,

Are you happy?

Am I good enough?

Why are you stay?

Are you going leaving me soon?

And if i could say one biggest thing i really scared of about this relationship was,

that one person, 

I dont know his name or what he do now, but

I really scared if that person come to your life again, and you wanted to be with him.

I feel sorry to FA because sometimes I feel that I couldn’t be as sweet or romantic as many couple out there. I could not shower FA with surprises or lovey-thingy and sometimes, oh maybe not, most of the time I can be really annoying for silly or stupid question that often makes FA pissed and that was what makes me scared that FA dont want me anymore because i not be able to make you feel as my very important person (while indeed you are my very special person)

If, I have the chance to tell FA what really can I offer to FA :

I may not be sweet, not be good-looking of even a dreamy boyfriend to anyone but

I gave you all of myself and my loyalty. I am always here to listen, to be your shoulder and I will do my best to be your always SANDARAN HATI. For that, i want you to know how actually you mean so much to me, by giving my whole self to you.

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Yang, Happy Annivesarry!

I love you.

And I hope that we will still a lover for the next Valentines.

And perhaps next five years Valentines.

Muah!

.Damian.
(you almost-pencen-company)